Joe Biden’s “Woke” CIA is a Hilarious Joke
May 5, 2021 (5mo ago)

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The bad news is the CIA hates you, and exists to ruin your country. The good news is the CIA is also a joke.

A series of excruciatingly embarrassing recruitment videos developed and distributed by the CIA expose the terminal rot at the heart of America’s “intelligence” services. Over the past weekend, one of those videos went viral for how perfectly it featured the new woke and extremely cringeworthy CIA.

Even as it grows more powerful, the CIA grows more pathetic. As it strips the freedoms of Americans, it grows more feeble and unworthy of respect. And as it grows more ambitious in trying to overthrow foreign foes, it grows ever more ripe for collapse itself.

Remarkably, the video above isn’t the product of a one-off fit of wokeness. It’s simply the most ridiculous in an entire series of videos. Revolver will review each in turn, but it’s worth beginning with this one.

Revolver might call the left-wing buzzwords “too many to list,” except that we’re going to list them all right here.

“As a daughter of immigrants…”

“I am perfectly made.”

“I can wax eloquent on complex legal issues in English, while also belting ‘Guayaquil de mis Amores’ in Spanish.”

“I am a woman of color. I am a mom. I am a cisgender millennial who has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.”

“I am a walking declaration, a woman whose inflection does not rise at the end of her sentences, suggesting that a question has been asked.”

It’s just relentless. Without ever meeting this woman (who we’ll call ‘Mija,’ since she isn’t named in the video), one can effortlessly imagine her scheduling a completely pointless meeting, and then dragging it on 30 minutes longer than necessary so she can “wax eloquent” on legal issues and show off her power as a “walking declaration.”

“I am intersectional, but my existence is not a box-checking exercise.”

Fact check: That’s exactly what her existence is, and it’s entirely a fate of her own making. Strip away the scaffolding of buzzwords, deprive this woman of her “Latinx” and “cisgender” labels, and what would be left? Only the mutilated remnants of a well-rounded human person.

“I did not sneak into CIA. My employment was not and is not a result of a fluke or a slip through the cracks.”

This, on the other hand, is completely accurate. Mija’s employment isn’t a “fluke,” it’s the product of deliberate affirmative action, a decades-long project by the CIA to “empower” and elevate those like her. The ones who “slip through the cracks” are those qualified, patriotic Americans who want to serve their country without any superseding political grievance.

“I used to struggle with imposter syndrome, but at 36 I refuse to internalize misguided patriarchal ideas of what a woman can or should be.”

Translation: “I’m not very good at my job and I know it, but I have internalized a political narrative that my shortcomings are just a byproduct of the “patriarchy.”

“I am tired of feeling like I’m supposed to apologize for the space I occupy rather than intoxicate people with my effort, my brilliance.”

Yass kween slay!

To maximize the humiliation, Mija spends the whole video dressed up in a cartoonish warrior feminist outfit, like a reject from Suicide Squad.

Watch out, this woman might be coming to overthrow a government near you.

This would all be bad enough as an autobiographical YouTube video posted to an audience of eight subscribers. But it’s much worse. This is an actual recruiting video by the CIA. America’s intelligence agency wants to harvest many more applications from people exactly like Mija. People with “generalized anxiety disorder.” People who dismiss their own incompetence as “imposter syndrome” so they can embrace a comfortable mediocrity. People who view it as their job to “intoxicate” people with their magical “brilliance.”

Now here’s the most horrifying part of all: The CIA made ten of these videos. All of them are proudly featured as a playlist on the CIA’s YouTube channel. And while Mija’s might be the most cringeworthy, each is painful in its own way.

We’ll start with another video from April. All the people in the videos seem to be unnamed, so we’ll have to call him Gay Librarian.

Gay Librarian started off working at a middle school before joining the Deep State. That might not be so bad; an intelligence service certainly needs to maintain a vast reservoir of accurate knowledge.

Naturally, Gay Librarian brags about how many board games he’s brought to work.

“Recently, I brought in our intelligence gaming collection to give officers unique opportunities to practice skills they need in their various roles. Instead of sitting for hours in front of a computer-based training, they can play a carefully-selected game, to train a specific set of skills.”

We’ve all played our share of board games over the years. Some of them are entertaining. But make no mistake: There is no universe where Memoir ’44, Bang!, or Splendor are crucial tools for cultivating secret agents. They are simple games meant to be accessible to children. Splendor is a game so simple that there are BoardGameGeek threads where parents complain about losing to their five-year-olds.

Actually, given the Globalist American Empire’s track record against superpowers like the Taliban, maybe a game calibrated for five-year-olds is the perfect training for them.

Besides playing children’s board games at work, Gay Librarian is also very passionate about being a Gay Librarian.

“Growing up gay in a small Southern town, I was lucky to have a wonderful and accepting family. I always struggled with the idea that I might not be able to discuss my personal life at work. Imagine my surprise when I was taking my oath at CIA and I noticed a rainbow on then-Director [John] Brennan’s lanyard. … I remember being stunned. … Officers from the top-down work hard to ensure that every single person, whatever their gender, gender identity, race, disability, or sexual orientation, can bring their entire self to work every day.”

Unfortunately, it gets worse. The CIA is far, far more than just queer bibliothecaries and droning feminist lawyers. The playlist bombards the viewer with one case after another, to make it clear that the entire agency is well and truly consumed.

The most recent video in the playlist stars a woman working in protective staff. She admits she was not interested in security work growing up and didn’t study it formally, but more or less blundered into an administrative job, and now somehow works in armed security details.

She complains that more women don’t work in the same field, but states with pride that she serves as a role model, showing that those with no relevant qualifications can enter the field.

The next video seems like it might be an improvement, with bland commentary on linguistics work and an academic background. But no. At a critical moment, the subject boasts of his work as “Chief of Corporate Strategy and Education for Diversity and Inclusion.”

Another video on the playlist stars a blind woman who works at the agency as a receptionist. While there’s nothing wrong with the CIA hiring a blind person, her comments that she was “not able to find fulfilling employment” and only applied because she had “nothing to lose” don’t say much about the CIA’s standards. And for good measure, she’s naturally wearing a “Love is love” jacket to work. It may very well be part of the uniform.

The playlist continues, relentlessly, pitilessly, with a video of a young black woman, who says she was able to thrive despite “the social challenges both women and people of color face” thanks to a senior analyst who checked the “exclusive behavior” of others.

Moving forward, the woman says she is optimistic that current CIA officials are “holding CIA as an institution accountable for the diversity and inclusion that it champions.”

The playlist wraps with short appearances by representatives of Hispanic, American Indian, and black affinity groups at the agency. You can guess a lot about them at a glance.

The American Indian representative says her group provides a “safe space” for Indian agents, then remarks that it’s critical for the CIA to be “diverse,” because of its “international” mission. Of course, China’s intelligence network routinely clowns on America despite lacking this diversity, but that’s okay. She wasn’t making a real argument, just mouthing the platitudes of the modern CIA’s recruiting drive.

These ridiculous videos are good for more than a laugh. They reveal the fundamental nature of the modern CIA and greater defense/intelligence apparatus.

One popular theory is that the mass embrace of woke ideology in senior government agencies serves as a distraction. By highlighting the Air Force’s first trans helicopter pilot or the CIA’s first gay station chief, oligarchic institutions can neuter the traditional left-wing opposition to their activities and gain a free hand to conduct their traditional business as usual.

But this doesn’t go far enough. Woke ideology isn’t some deflection from the CIA’s “real” purpose. Woke ideology is inseparable from that purpose.

To the extent the U.S. still possesses soft power, it flows overwhelmingly from its position as the global nerve center of wokeism.

In the past, America might have been a beacon to the rest of the world for its unparalleled freedom, its unmatched wealth, its unequaled quality of life. America was the world’s greatest country, and others inspired to be the same. But today, America’s freedoms are mutilated. Its cities are filthy, its population obese and addicted. What’s left to drive soft power then? Ideology.

When the American regime wants to stoke hostility against foreign powers, their record on gay rights is an immediate target (even if the country’s laws are no more “repressive” than America’s some twenty years ago). Glenn Greenwald described the nature of this arrangement well all the way back in 2015:

These days, animosity toward leading U.S. adversaries — Vladimir Putin and Iranian mullahs — is bolstered through a sustained focus on their maltreatment of their LGBT citizens. The most war-craving neocons endlessly focus on the plight of gay Iranians — as though that’s what motivates their hostility, as though neocons care about any of that in the slightest — while completely ignoring brutal LGBT suppression by regimes that are highly deferential to the U.S. and Israel. All of this, though blatantly manipulative, is also a remarkably effective tactic: Obama-aligned gay groups in the U.S. such as Human Rights Campaign regularly churn out anti-Russia screeds, and do the same for Iran.

Support for institutions of militarism and policies of imperialism is now manufactured by parading them under the emotionally manipulative banners of progressive social causes. [The Intercept]

In the six years since, this phenomenon has only been refined. What was once a tool for stoking hostility to foreign regimes has now become a tool for overthrowing them. When the CIA goes abroad to topple rival foreign governments or ignite a color revolution, woke agenda items like “gay rights” are a key point of leverage.

This agenda isn’t being deployed cynically. Decades ago, the CIA may have conceded diversity hires on the grounds of political expediency. Not anymore. Those in charge really do believe in the power of intersectionality.

This is a byproduct of the system itself. An entire generation of CIA personnel owe their jobs, their careers, and their entire identities to a cocktail of diversity and identity politics refined at the formerly prestigious universities from which the agency has historically hired. Strip that away and run a sane system based solely on merit and the best interests of the American public, and their livelihoods would vanish in an instant. Through its hiring, the CIA has built a force of woke janissaries (trannissaries?) fanatically loyal to the system and regime.

The bright side to all of this is how laughably pathetic it all is. “Cisgender millennials diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder” may be deeply loyal, but they are also unstable and incompetent. When trusted to run a vast operation built by older generations of substantially more serious and impressive people, they will screw it up.

For now, the CIA persists on the memories of the Cold War and the myth that it is a hypercompetent body of America’s best and brightest, moving in the shadows to keep the country safe.

But inevitably, the truth will come out, and America will realize their “intelligence” service is a feeble joke. This can only be a good thing. Realizing the fundamental corruption of America’s most powerful institutions is the first step toward tearing them down, removing the corrupt globalist ruling class, and replacing them with the elites the country actually needs to become great again.

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