I Did IVF With a Donor. The Loneliness Was Awful

I always thought I would have a child. For me, starting a family was something I just expected to happen.

I got married at 28 years old and we were together for five years. We were at the stage where we could start trying for a baby if we'd stayed together, but it just didn't work out. I realized that he wasn't the right guy for me, and when I left him at 33, I thought I would find someone else to have a baby with.

As the years passed by I had a few short-term relationships, but nothing serious. I never imagined raising a child on my own—I know how hard being a parent is. I always thought I would find someone, but time went on and I didn't realize how quickly it was going.

Lara Solomon
Lara Solomon, London, is the founder of Hoopsy and started an online fertility community for people going through IVF and TTC to go for support, help and expert advice. Isabelle Ellerington-Holden

When I was 45, I started talking to my primary care physician about a friend of mine who had frozen her eggs a few years prior. I asked whether I should consider it, and she suggested doing a fertility test.

At first, I said no; I still believed I would meet someone and didn't want to overthink it.

But then my friend, who was 43 years old, began undergoing the IVF process and was sharing a lot about it; finding a sperm donor and all the tests that were involved. She told me that she was considered a geriatric mother, and I started to realize that if I wanted to have a child, this could be my last chance.

In most clinics I would only be able to use my own eggs up to the age of 46; I didn't have that much time left. I started looking into having a baby on my own, and the therapist I was seeing made me write down a list of potential pros and cons of having a child without a partner.

I thought about what would happen if I had a baby and then I died—who would look after the child? I asked my brother, who said yes and urged me to move forward.

I considered how much this would cost financially and how I was going to support myself once the baby was born. At the time, I was running a children's storybook start-up and had a small amount of money, $60,000, that my parents left me; I ran the numbers and with my inheritance I could afford to go ahead.

At the time I was living in Sydney and didn't have any family nearby. I had friends who said they would help, but I didn't feel I could 100 percent rely on that, so I started looking into how much an au pair would cost.

Then came the emotional part. I had to think about whether I really wanted to do this on my own. I hoped to have a baby, but how would I cope alone? If you're in a relationship, then in theory your partner takes on some of that load, but if you're on your own, it can be a lot harder.

I decided to go through the process and see what happened. I knew that I wanted a child, but at that stage, I don't think I realized just how much.

Lara Solomon
Lara's doctor recommended various IVF specialists in August 2020. By November, she had chosen her sperm donor and began the egg harvesting process. Isabelle Ellerington-Holden

Perhaps my relaxed viewpoint was a way of coping with the emotional stress of it all. If I didn't think about it too much, then I might not get too attached to the idea.

When I actually approached my primary care physician to start the process, my reality sunk in.

As soon as I told her I wanted an IVF referral she was thrilled for me. All she kept saying was "Oh my God, this is so exciting." That moment—where I finally told myself this was actually happening—was pivotal for me.

My doctor recommended various IVF specialists in August 2020 and sent me away to research each before making a referral. By November, I had chosen my sperm donor and began the egg harvesting process.

Once doctors had decided on the egg harvesting timeline, I was prescribed medication to stimulate follicles and egg growth, which I had to inject into my stomach. I underwent three scans to examine my ovaries and assess how many follicles were developing.

When they were deemed to be at the right level, I was taken for blood tests to monitor my progesterone and estrogen levels before doctors could pull the trigger shot and start the process of eggs being released for harvesting the next day.

I was led to believe that given my age and AMH level, as many as ten eggs could be retrieved. But when I woke up, I looked at my hand where doctors had written the number of eggs collected, to see there were only three. It turned out one of my ovaries was perimenopausal.

Oh my Gosh. Three? This isn't going to work.

At that moment, so many emotions came to the surface. I knew this was something I desperately wanted. I was so disappointed.

Only one of my eggs was mature, which is quite standard in terms of numbers, but meant the other two were not viable for fertilization.

Normally, an egg is monitored for a few days and if it has progressed adequately the embryo is transferred into your womb. There was a lot of hoping, waiting and praying. But after three days, my little egg had stopped growing.

That was it, game over—we couldn't do the transfer.

It was very hard and I was so upset, but I felt set on my decision and asked what the other options were. We could go through the egg harvesting again, but because one of my ovaries was not working, I didn't feel it was worth it.

I decided the better option would be to find a donor embryo. My baby would not share my genetics, but I had no issue with that. I ended up being referred to a clinic in Spain, where I would have the donor embryo transferred, before waiting ten days to see if it had worked and I was pregnant.

In June of the following year, I flew to Barcelona and did the transer. When I had initially booked the clinic, they asked whether I wanted to pay for three transfers upfront, with a refund of half my money if I did not finish the process with a live birth. I was so naive.

I don't need to worry about that. Why wouldn't it work?

But ten days after the procedure, my pregnancy test was negative. I was sent for a blood test to double check and it was confirmed. I called a friend and burst into tears. I basically spent the whole day crying.

I realized I would have to go through this emotional process all again and asked the clinic whether there was anything we could do to improve my chances of conceiving. They tested for infection in my uterus and found I did have one, which may have impacted implantation.

Lara Solomon
Lara began her own pregnancy test company during her IVF journey. Isabelle Ellerington-Holden

After a few weeks, I went through the whole thing all over again and really felt it was going to work this time. On day ten, I did a blood test and it came back positive.

Oh my God. It's really happening.

I was so excited, but unfortunately, I ended up miscarrying, as is common for women my age. It was still so early; probably around six weeks. I imagine if I hadn't been going through IVF, I may not have even noticed. But I was devastated.

I didn't know whether I could go through this emotional rollercoaster again. While I had been pregnant, I was spotting due to my medication, and every single time I saw some blood I thought I was miscarrying. It happened three or four times a day.

While I was doing all my pregnancy tests, after my embryo transfers, I began noticing the levels of plastic on those products, which I thought was crazy, and started looking up some homemade remedies with a girlfriend of mine; from peeing on straw to mixing your urine with wine.

In the end, we decided we didn't want to waste good wine and thought about creating a more sustainable option, later launching our own brand called Hoopsy in July last year, which has been really therapeutic in terms of creating a platform to share my story.

During my journey, I had joined a lot of different Facebook groups, and felt that whilst some people were really lovely and supportive, others were so dismissive. Plus I often found these groups were sharing various pieces of medical misinformation. It normally wouldn't bother me, but at a time of such emotional stress, I found it really hard.

I have since started my own online fertility community, where women can be supported by those who have been through the same thing in a kind and empathetic way, without any misinformation.

My whole IVF journey was so emotionally hard, I chose to have a break and still haven't decided whether I want to go through the process once again.

Going through this journey alone has been difficult. Of course, things like injecting myself with needles and going to appointments by myself were hard, but not having a partner to talk to about how I was feeling on a daily basis was really tough.

I wanted that reassurance, someone to give me a hug when I miscarried, and I didn't have that.

I found IVF to be very polarizing. I even ended up breaking up with three friends over it, including a woman I had known for 12 years because she couldn't handle what I was doing.

My mom and dad have both passed away, and it's hard to talk to friends that haven't been through it because it's a very different emotional experience.

But I feel very passionate about helping women on their fertility journey because I don't think there's enough out there—not enough support, not enough information, and not enough people that talk about it.

I love that I can provide all those things for other people now.

Lara Solomon, from London, is the founder of Hoopsy and started an online fertility community for people going through IVF and TTC to go for support, help, and expert advice.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Newsweek's My Turn associate editor, Monica Greep.

Do you have a unique experience or personal story to share? Email the My Turn team at myturn@newsweek.com.

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