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Hunter Biden opened his very own lemonade stand on the White House front lawn Wednesday morning, citing a need for extra pocket change and a congenital passion for entrepreneurship.
“Business has always been my number-one passion in life,” Biden said. “Well, after having sex with my brother’s widow and then cheating on her with a stripper while doing tons of cocaine. That was always my top passion. But business is a close second.”
The lemonade comes in pink, cherry, and strawberry pomegranate flavors.
“No yellow,” Hunter explained.
But Hunter isn’t just shaking up the D.C. beverage market with his flavor choices. While the typical lemonade stand fare will cost a thirsty patron 25 cents, or a dollar in a nicer neighborhood, the First Son’s lemonade will sell for slightly more, at $100,000 per glass.
The figure may seem high. But if any businessman has the charm and talent to make it work, it’s Hunter Biden, the man who once got a Chinese energy executive to give him a 2.5-carat diamond just from the kindness of his heart.
While Republican lawmakers have suggested, without evidence, that a six figure sum for a single glass of lemonade is rather high, respected Ukrainian businessman Mykola Vladislavovich Zlochevsky, founder of Burisma and a former associate of Biden’s, said the price sounded reasonable.
“Truthfully, Biden’s world-class expertise in combating corruption is only half the reason we paid him $50,000 per month to serve on Burisma’s board,” said Zlochevsky. “Really, it was his prodigious talent for perfectly balancing tap water and Country Time drink mix from the local Safeway.”
Chinese billionaire Chung Chin Wei agreed, saying he hoped to buy five, ten, or even a hundred glasses of Hunter’s concoction.
“When I first drink Hunter lemonade, I feel spasm of ecstasy down spine,” said Wei. “No sum is too great for this nectar of the gods.”
Republicans have groundlessly labeled praise of Hunter’s prized lemonade an effort to curry favor, but Democrats in Congress are giving the Biden brew their endorsement.
“What can I say, it’s great stuff,” said Sen. Chris Coons of Delaware. “Don’t tell everyone, but I’d be willing to give Hunter a night with my wife, or even my daughter, to have a steady supply.”
White House press secretary Jen Psaki explained that, to prevent corruption, everybody buying a lemonade would have to wear a paper bag over his or her head.
“The President’s son has a right to earn a living, whether it’s by serving on corporate boards in fields he has no background in, selling paintings for $500,000 after two years of practice, or dumping 10 cents of drink mix into a cup and then selling it at a one hundred million percent markup,” Psaki said. “I would hope that Republicans, as believers in the free market, would understand that.”
Psaki also dismissed concerns about a gigantic tip jar on the lemonade stand, labeled “for the Big Guy.”
Already, Biden’s lemonade stand has been the target of disinformation attacks linked to the Kremlin. Facebook has banned users from posting, or even linking privately to, a viral video suggesting that Hunter Biden may not wash his hands in the bathroom before returning to the stand. Twitter, meanwhile, has blacked out a New York Post article that claims text messages found on Hunter Biden’s laptop indicate the secret to his lemonade’s appeal is trace (or not so trace) amounts of crack cocaine. The stories were blocked after more than fifty intelligence veterans signed a letter saying that, while they hadn’t actually looked at the evidence, they were pretty sure it was just some Russian scheme to defame the president and his incredibly gifted son.
FBI Director Christopher Wray assured Americans they have nothing to fear.
“Make no mistake, we are well aware of Hunter Biden’s $100,000 lemonade stand, and we have already assigned a full-time 12-agent team to investigate criminal misinformation about this stand,” said Wray. The director encouraged Americans to watch for warning signs of violent radicalization, such as mixing Kool-Aid instead of lemonade at the next family barbecue.
Hunter says this won’t be his last business venture. Once Washington’s thirst has been satiated, he hopes to move on to offering food.
“I was thinking I might open a pizza place,” Hunter said. “Kids love pizza!”
Hello, “Fact Checker” dorks. This piece is obviously satire.