January 6th Prisoners Dress Up Like Cubans So GOP Will Finally Notice Them
July 27, 2021 (3mo ago)

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In a desperate bid to alleviate their plight, Trump supporters who are still being tormented in prison for participating in the January 6 Capitol incursion are identifying as Cubans in the hope Republican lawmakers will finally care about them.

Had 43-year-old flooring contractor Dominic Pezzola broken the window of an American small business last summer to let in looters, he might have received a token charge or even been heralded as a crusader for racial justice. Instead, the New Yorker broke a window at the U.S. Capitol. Even thought the New Yorker did nothing else other than smoke a cigar, he has spent six months in 23-hours-a-day solitary confinement. Pezzola has been denied bail twice, has been kept away from his 16-year-old daughter, and is unable to support his family, for which he was previously the sole breadwinner.

But despite being a de facto political prisoner of America’s own government, Pezzola’s case wasn’t attracting much interest from Congressional Republicans. Despite Marco Rubio tweeting over and over about political prisoners in Venezuela and Cuba, a letter to Senator Marco Rubio’s office was returned unopened, with flecks of foam still visible on it.

That was when Pezzola had a brilliant idea.

“I have finally decided to embrace who I truly am on the inside,” he told Revolver. “I am now Domingo Sanchez, proud Cuban dissident.”

Pezzola/Sanchez’s new identity quickly generated newfound interest from Senator Rubio.

“Domingo is the exact kind of prisoner whose rights America must care the most about,” said Rubio. “And by that, I mean he’s not an American prisoner.”

Rubio suggested that the federal government impose an embargo on Washington D.C. until Sanchez is released.

Sanchez’s success inspired his fellow 1/6 long-term prisoner, Edward Lang. For months, Lang has struggled to get Republicans to care about being locked up all day and forced to eat off the floor, among other indignities. But as soon as Edward announced his name change to Eduardo and changed his hometown from Newburgh, New York to Havana, Cuba, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz took an intense interest in his case.

“Martin Luther King Jr. once wrote that injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,” said Cruz. “But he wasn’t quite right. It’s only injustice outside America that matters.”

January 6 prisoners aren’t the only ones who have realized the usefulness of transracialism in pandering to Republicans. In a desperate bid to alleviate the racial hatred directed at them every day, white Americans are identifying as Uyghurs.

For years, the former Thomas Schmidt of South Carolina had tried to get Republicans interested in his plight. As a software engineer for a local tech company, Schmidt was forced to attend lengthy multi-hour propaganda seminars where he was told that basic positive traits like “rugged individualism,” “hard work,” and “striving towards success” were products of “white male culture” and “devastating” toward oppressed women and non-whites. Later, Schmidt tried to start his own tech business, but as a white male, he faced explicit discrimination in his ability to win contracts.

Schmidt’s daughter Alice, meanwhile, not only faced relentless anti-white propaganda at her public school, but when she complained about a homeless man who exposed himself to her as she walked home, she was given a lecture about how white tears have been paid for in black blood since time immemorial.

Schmidt wrote to Senator Lindsey Graham seeking help for his plight. But Graham was unimpressed.

“Who the hell is this paste-face peasant from Charleston?” said Graham. “Call me when we get a letter from somewhere we can bomb, or at least sanction.”

A member of Graham’s staff was seen folding Schmidt’s letter into a paper airplane, then pretending to bomb an Iranian orphanage with it.

But Schmidt wasn’t ready to give up. After a quick trip to a costume store, he reemerged with a tacky fake beard and a new identity as Hazrat Sabir, proud Uyghur and proud Sunni Muslim.

“It’s perfect,” Schmidt/Sabir said. “Before, I was being demographically replaced, bombarded with race hatred, and crushed with systematic economic and social discrimination. Now, all of those things are still happening, but I’m not white, so the GOP will give a sh*t.”

Almost immediately, a sharp change could be seen in Sen. Graham’s attitude.

“Focusing on the plight of one race will only fan resentment in America. The Republican Party must reject anything that reeks of identity poli– wait, holy shit, this guy’s a Uyghur? We need to sanction Chinese ball bearing exports stat.

A similar change could be seen inside the shrunken heart of Senator Mitt Romney.

“Previously, little Alice was just some proto-Karen who might not have believed that Black Lives Matter,” said Romney. “Now, she is a profitable tool for American foreign policy to fan conflict with a nuclear-armed power. We have to stand up for her rights.”

Shortly after, Romney introduced legislation to sanction the mayor of Charleston and boycott exports from there until all anti-Uyghur discrimination ends.

“The United States must stand up against racial and ethnic discrimination, wherever it occurs,” said Romney. “Well, unless it’s against white people right here. That would be stoking racial division.”

Mr. Romney’s heart was said to have grown three sizes that day.

Other Americans are getting the same idea as Mr. Schmidt/Sabir. Gus Bradley, a farmer in north Texas, was hopeful that Senator John Cornyn would speak up after the Biden Administration explicitly began practicing anti-white discrimination in awarding farm aid. But Bradley soon realized that pretty much the only time Cornyn used the word “white” at all, it was to condemn “white supremacy” or complain about “angry white males.” But when Bradley saw that Cornyn called China’s actions in Xinjiang a genocide, he knew what he needed to do.

“I am now Abdullah Yüknäki,” he told Revolver, adjusting the newly-acquited taqiyah atop his head. “And now I will have a protector, inshallah.

Within hours of Yüknäki’s rebranding, Cornyn and thirty-seven other GOP senators co-sponsored a resolution denouncing the Biden Administration’s “genocidal” agricultural policies.

“Not being a white Christian American is great!” said Bradley. “Now I finally have a political party that will look out for me.”

A message for all those who identify as dimwitted or as “disinformation” researchers (but we repeat ourselves): This piece is obviously satire.

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Anthony Cipriano
2 months ago

I know this is an ancient concept today. However, States are not Providences of the Federal government so we are not merely citizens of the USA but we are citizens of our perspective states. Has anyone thought of a state suing on behalf of their citizen who is being wrongful held without trial as a political prisoner in DC?
This is beyond ridiculous now! 6,7,8 months of 23 hrs a day solitaire confinement for breaking a window? Outrageous!! Where is the speedy trial?
Something must be done!!!

Nemesis7
2 months ago

Agree

Jilli
2 months ago

Meanwhile they all ignore the cold-blooded murder of unarmed veteran Ashli Babbitt. Both parties do nothing about it. Where is the justice for Ashli and her grieving husband and mother.

Bridge
2 months ago
Reply to  Jilli

Who gave the order to shoot? Someone told him to do it. That’s what they have to find out.

Jilli
2 months ago
Reply to  Bridge

No one wants to implicate Pelosi and Schumer.

Christina
2 months ago

insurrection-rebellion against an established authority If the election was fraudulent, there was no established authority.

Nemesis7
2 months ago
Reply to  Christina

Pelosi staged faux insurrection

Nemesis7
2 months ago

The RINOs will pay for this

Jilli
2 months ago
Reply to  Nemesis7

The communist Chinese will fund their campaigns and the election thieves will have their way again. I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for them to disappear.

MarianS
2 months ago

RIP Ashli Not Dead Babbitt

Take gloves off; No more dealing with the twisted inversion of Truth and the time is now indeed to go all offensive. Our unity our strength; their greatest threat.

MSM~ Get the story straight and blow the narrative of J6. MSMliars are complicit and work for evil 👿 owners.

Capitol Riots #falseflag ~ AB didn’t get shot and killed – No way! Not enough 🩸Kabuki 😷 🎭

Fraud Bureau of Insurrection w/ cast, including, Thomas Barayni, NJ ~ blue sweatshirt w/ backpack, iPhone-in-hand yet protecting fake blood on his palm, and first to do live Canadian MSM interview following. He made most Ridiculous statements of AB’s last days:

“She stated, cool I’m okay” and, “this could be your kids” while he showed 🩸 on palm.

As a veteran, I am so pissed to wake up and see the level of corruption and nonsense by those in DC.

We MUST find political and civil will power NOW to protect our Sovereign rights.

God help us please!

P.S. Darren, WRoom & Posse, ScottK, Sharyl A, John S, Candace, Raheem & Natalie, Megyn? Anyone? Jenna? Shipmates SteveB or Pisoboiec? Amanda Milius,

Don’t leave it to us citizen journalists.

MarianS
🏴SaveAmerica
NOPE 👎 To 😷 NO, H-NO To Jab ‼️🇺🇸🇺🇸

MarianS
2 months ago

Why must we engage in their nonsense? Ready to be done ✅

Karlie K. Karlisle
2 months ago

This rag is just as bad all the rest – BANNED – who know what I said that made them cry.

Nothing but another publication that PRETENDS to be on the patriots side, but actually part of the occupying force.

Just like the GOP. You’d think the American people would catch on after so long.

Dave
2 months ago

CALLING BULLSHIT ON THIS ARTICLE. I can hardly believe this is from revolver.news

Robert Billeaud
2 months ago
Reply to  Dave

I was going to write a comment about how lame this article was for putting a disclaimer at the end noting that it is satire, because only a complete idiot would not realize that. Apparently, even with the disclaimer, some people can’t tell the difference. Sad.

dbobway
2 months ago

I call that F___d up funny.

luke2236
2 months ago

It may be satire, but it is sadly accurate.

Guest
2 months ago

Diversity is a white privilege. Borders is a non-white privilege.

They’ll never leave us alone or let us leave. Anti-whites need us, we don’t need them.

Our ancestors committed no unique sins, but have given the world many unique gifts.

If these cruel conditions were imposed on any other people, it would be called…

travelle lyte
2 months ago

The disclaimer on the end was lame as shyte. Why not say “my readers are dumbasses”.
Good satire tho.

JULIANNE
2 months ago

Officer Jeffrey Smith is one of two cops to commit suicide in the aftermath of the riot. Capitol Police Officer Howard Liebengood also died by suicide soon after the insurrection. Hum never discussed (EVER) what really happened to these two officers(# knew to much)

xgudwilx
2 months ago
Reply to  JULIANNE

Real Patriots… didn’t wanna “get with the program”.

littlewing
2 months ago

Something has to happen soon.

lwayne
2 months ago

Politicians are cowards so they will not stick their necks out for anything except re-election.

xgudwilx
2 months ago

Wouldn’t they wanna dress as Mexicans tho?

Dorcas Piegari
2 months ago

I know this piece is satire but I have always been disturbed by the fact that Senator Marco Rubio and Congressman Mario Diaz Balart (R-FL) visited the Colombian-Venezuelan border two years ago. I am still waiting for them to visit the Southern border. We had a porous Southern border two years ago nothing compared to what we have now. However, the Senator and Congressman were more worried about the plight of Venezuelans then than they were of Americans.

John C. Berggreen
2 months ago

GOP use to stand for Grand Old Party, it now stands for Gutless Old Politicans.

TomGun
2 months ago

It won’t work unless they are wearing a Che t-shirt.

Margerie Shayka-Grossmann
2 months ago

So disapointed. This satire does not belong on Front Page of Revolver Exclusive. This is not why I choose to Revolver for ad free monthly option.

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