America’s most embarrassing military failure is no more. In fact, it never existed at all. Early Friday morning, the United States Department of Defense announced that henceforth, it identifies as the winner of the 20-year war in Afghanistan.
The change means that once again, America’s troops are undefeated in all wars stretching back to the nation’s founding. While America has won many cisvictories in its long military history, the new announcement makes Afghanistan the countries first transvictory. The Vietnam War, another prior defeat, came out of the closet as “more of a draw, really” in 1997.
“To be honest, we always knew we were the real winners, but after existing for more than 200 years in a transphobic society, we didn’t feel comfortable enough to come out with our true selves,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley said in a press conference at the Pentagon.
“It was only the unprecedented bravery and heroism of Rachel Levine, the beautiful woman who just became our first female four-star admiral, that gave us the courage to come out,” Milley added.
“From now on, our pronouns will be winner/victor/conqueror,” said Brigadier General and Army chief of public affairs Amy Johnston.
The revelation sheds new light on past statements by Gen. Milley. For example, Milley’s repeated assurances that the Afghan Armed Forces were well-trained and well-prepared for war with the Taliban, once falsely labeled as “lies,” are now revealed as the confident statements of a commander who knew US forces were on the brink of total victory. Similarly, Americans once thought that Milley was lying when he called an August 29 drone strike a “righteous strike,” since it only killed ten civilians; including several children. But under the Pentagon’s newly-chosen “Victory” identity, the ten victims of that strike are now revealed to be eight senior Taliban leaders, plus a member of the Proud Boys and Julian Assange.
Americans previously believed to have gone missing following America’s sudden defeat are now understood to have gone missing after America’s wild victory parade through the streets of Kabul.
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said the revelation could have come earlier if not for backward modes of thinking that are still widespread across America.
“Millions of Americans still have an outdated ‘win-or-lose’ binary attitude for thinking about war,” said Austin. “Really, war outcomes exist on a spectrum and are more fluid.”
Austin emphasized that, to protect the armed forces from future mental health crises, it is the duty of all Americans to affirm its new identity.
“In particular, it’s essential that Congress keep funding us like the unstoppable, undefeated military force we are and have always been,” Austin said. “Giving some fat new contracts to Raytheon and Boeing would be especially nice. Oh, and we want another carrier.”
Twitter has already indicated that it will ban any users who “deadwar” the Pentagon by suggesting it was actually defeated in Afghanistan.
“Hateful statements about how the Afghan war ‘really’ ended could drive the military suicide rate even higher than it already is,” the company said in a statement. “Such words are violence and will not be tolerated.”
YouTube, meanwhile, has taken down viral videos that showed Afghans falling off evacuating planes and Taliban fighters romping through the mansions of abandoned warlords. In their place, YouTube has put up computer-generated “victory confirmation footage,” which shows a squad of all-female SEALs mowing down Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, then making out atop his bullet-riddled body as a rainbow flag waves in the background.
A Pentagon spokesperson was cagey about whether the DOD was questioning its identity in relation to other major conflicts, saying only that the “Iraq has always felt like Normandy trapped in Vietnam’s body.”
Editor’s Note: This piece is satire (but then again, so is our Regime)
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