US Army Announces It Now Identifies As Winner Of Afghan War
November 2, 2021 (1mo ago)

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America’s most embarrassing military failure is no more. In fact, it never existed at all. Early Friday morning, the United States Department of Defense announced that henceforth, it identifies as the winner of the 20-year war in Afghanistan.

The change means that once again, America’s troops are undefeated in all wars stretching back to the nation’s founding. While America has won many cisvictories in its long military history, the new announcement makes Afghanistan the countries first transvictory. The Vietnam War, another prior defeat, came out of the closet as “more of a draw, really” in 1997.

“To be honest, we always knew we were the real winners, but after existing for more than 200 years in a transphobic society, we didn’t feel comfortable enough to come out with our true selves,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley said in a press conference at the Pentagon.

“It was only the unprecedented bravery and heroism of Rachel Levine, the beautiful woman who just became our first female four-star admiral, that gave us the courage to come out,” Milley added.

“From now on, our pronouns will be winner/victor/conqueror,” said Brigadier General and Army chief of public affairs Amy Johnston.

The revelation sheds new light on past statements by Gen. Milley. For example, Milley’s repeated assurances that the Afghan Armed Forces were well-trained and well-prepared for war with the Taliban, once falsely labeled as “lies,” are now revealed as the confident statements of a commander who knew US forces were on the brink of total victory. Similarly, Americans once thought that Milley was lying when he called an August 29 drone strike a “righteous strike,” since it only killed ten civilians; including several children. But under the Pentagon’s newly-chosen “Victory” identity, the ten victims of that strike are now revealed to be eight senior Taliban leaders, plus a member of the Proud Boys and Julian Assange.

Americans previously believed to have gone missing following America’s sudden defeat are now understood to have gone missing after America’s wild victory parade through the streets of Kabul.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said the revelation could have come earlier if not for backward modes of thinking that are still widespread across America.

“Millions of Americans still have an outdated ‘win-or-lose’ binary attitude for thinking about war,” said Austin. “Really, war outcomes exist on a spectrum and are more fluid.”

Austin emphasized that, to protect the armed forces from future mental health crises, it is the duty of all Americans to affirm its new identity.

“In particular, it’s essential that Congress keep funding us like the unstoppable, undefeated military force we are and have always been,” Austin said. “Giving some fat new contracts to Raytheon and Boeing would be especially nice. Oh, and we want another carrier.”

Twitter has already indicated that it will ban any users who “deadwar” the Pentagon by suggesting it was actually defeated in Afghanistan.

“Hateful statements about how the Afghan war ‘really’ ended could drive the military suicide rate even higher than it already is,” the company said in a statement. “Such words are violence and will not be tolerated.”

YouTube, meanwhile, has taken down viral videos that showed Afghans falling off evacuating planes and Taliban fighters romping through the mansions of abandoned warlords. In their place, YouTube has put up computer-generated “victory confirmation footage,” which shows a squad of all-female SEALs mowing down Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, then making out atop his bullet-riddled body as a rainbow flag waves in the background.

A Pentagon spokesperson was cagey about whether the DOD was questioning its identity in relation to other major conflicts, saying only that the “Iraq has always felt like Normandy trapped in Vietnam’s body.”

Editor’s Note: This piece is satire (but then again, so is our Regime)

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1 month ago

Say what? Are you sure this wasn’t from the Babylon Bee?

Victoria Harvey(@thetravelplanner)
1 month ago

This has to be satire… I hope it is satire.

1 month ago

You can pick your gender, so why not? Objective reality be damned!

1 month ago

They must have undergone a “history change operation”.

1 month ago

And I am the pope…

1 month ago

Funny header!

1 month ago

Let me get my arms around this thought: We fought for decades, lost thousands of good young men and women, but in the end, gave the enemy a military base, tens of billions of dollars of our best technology and equipment, ran out with our tail between our legs so fast we didn’t even get all Americans out of harm’s way . . . .and we won?

That’s almost as logical as saying Biden won the election with more than 85 million votes.

Michael Fisher
1 month ago
Reply to  Shrugged

1 month ago

i had to double check my browser to make sure i wasn’t on the babylon bee’s website. our government is sooo freaking backwards right now. 3 more years of this mess unfortunately.

1 month ago

And we have a four star admiral to prove it

Defence Man
1 month ago

Insanity rules the day ! May God bless these military leaders and give them another star for their uniforms. They obviously believe that if you say it like you mean it and repeat/wash/repeat it will be true !

Mark Belk
1 month ago

First 4 star female general? It’s a fucking faggot transvestite!

Mark Belk
1 month ago

It’s a 4 star faggot!

1 month ago

Wrong and delusional.

1 month ago

Sure. Right up there with Biden got 81 million votes in the 2020 election, the mRNA Covid vaccine prevents spread of the virus, and Mitt Romney, Cindy McCain, Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan are Republicans.

Justin Case
1 month ago

Llyod Austin…affirmative action for the brain dead.

1 month ago

If we won, why are they still shooting at us?

1 month ago

Um, I think you guys got punk’d

1 month ago

The only way that the US military wins anything is if the other side dies….laughing.

Billionaire Bill
1 month ago

Excellent report!
I’m happy DOD was able to rewrite history and give us a 100% win rate over the last 200 years. I feel much better about that.

If they want another multi-billion carrier, give to ’em for God’s sake. They’ve earned it.

1 month ago

It is wonderful being part of the WOKE crowd. You can IDENTIFY as anything you want, no matter what!. I identify as a pregnant male horse about to give birth to a litter of puppies and one rabbit.

Patrol Agent
1 month ago

It was the Milley/Austin 60 day stand-down that sealed the deal.

Bryan Leed
1 month ago

good reporting, they ain’t fooling us

1 month ago

The US Army are TRAITORS

Gordon K. Shumway
1 month ago

I identify as a 25 year old pitcher with pinpoint accuracy, a 110 MPH fastball, and a curve that gives catchers trouble. Unfortunately, I’m trapped in the body of a 62 y/o paper pusher with a Little League arm. Can I get the government to force the Yankees to sign me to a 50 million dollar contract?

Gordon K. Shumway
1 month ago

“Rachel Levine, the beautiful woman…”

1 month ago

Thanks for the belly laugh. This is better than the Babylon Bee.

1 month ago

Yes. It’s satire, people. Damn good satire.

Robert Lally
1 month ago

I’m done with Revolver if this is not true; which I think it isn’t!

Robert Lally
1 month ago

You should have posted the editor’s note that this article was satire at the beginning. I also noticed that my initial posting disappeared. Strange!

1 month ago

Kissinger told Nixon, withdraw and then declare victory.

1 month ago

He couldn’t win a spit ball fight.

Proton User
1 month ago

China is catching up.

Michael Fisher
1 month ago

Ah no

28 days ago

Milley is a traitor and mutineer who needs to face a firing squad.

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