The US was rocked by a military and diplomatic earthquake on Monday after Chinese leaders revealed that the Middle Kingdom has constructed an N-bomb capable of reaching the mainland United States, and is prepared to use it.
“If America persists in imposing its imperialist designs on China and the Chinese people, then China will not hesitate to respond with immediate deployment of the N-bomb,” Xi Jinping said in a speech to the Communist Party Congress.
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Foreign policy experts quickly labeled China’s announcement as the worst blow to American strategic freedom in the nation’s history.
“America has built its entire foreign and domestic policy apparatus around never, ever allowing an N-bomb to be deployed,” said Harvard IR professor Michael Richards. “America has instituted draconian censorship rules, fired many of its most talented scientists and computer scientists, and erected a hugely costly and burdensome HR infrastructure, all for the sake of preventing N-bomb deployment. Now, China could ruin that in a day.”
The N-bomb’s effects are as unconventional as they are severe. When detonated in a mid-air burst, the N-bomb blasts out the “Hard R” N-word at a volume that can be heard hundreds of miles away. According to defense officials, the specific payload of the Chinese N-bomb is a clip of Randy Marsh saying the N-word in South Park, hearable at a range of of 275 miles.
Much as Achilles was invincible save for a lethal weakness in his heel, America’s global military and economic superpower status is hopelessly vulnerable to the danger of a single word. According to defense analysts, just a handful of N-bombs detonated over America’s major cities would utterly paralyze the country. All universities and tech companies will screech to a halt to undergo mandatory internal discussion sessions and “reckonings.” The military and Wall Street will have their senior leadership paralyzed by crippling new affirmative action requirements. At least thirteen percent of America will become tired, and communications systems will completely collapse as all journalists and reporters will be irresistibly drawn to producing op-eds and lectures about systemic racism and white privilege.
U.S. diplomats quickly condemned China’s construction of an N-bomb, calling it a flagrant violation of the N-bomb Non-Proliferation Treaty. China, however, claims to have received an “N-bomb pass” from Niger in return for low-interest Belt and Road development loans.
China’s rapid N-bomb development took the United States by surprise, as they were able to build it despite a lack of neighborhood enrichment facilities. American leaders had long assumed that America’s large lead in neighborhood enrichment gave them an insurmountable advantage in N-bomb manufacturing. However, America’s N-bomb production program, the Wakanda Project, has repeatedly failed to deliver results.
Curtis James Jackson III, a professor of theoretical physics and African-American studies at Caltech, said there was a critical error that led to America’s embarrassing performance in N-bomb production.
“China’s researchers had their enrichment plants focus narrowly on weapons-grade “Hard R” production,” Jackson said. “The vast majority of American enrichment is of the “Soft A” variety, which is only useful for civilian purposes and not military ones.”
Others pointed the blame at America’s safety-first regulatory culture. In order to minimize the risk of an accidental N-bomb explosion, Wakanda Project director Kendrick Lamar barred all Caucasian scientists from the program.
But N-bomb deployment expert O’Shea Jackson of RAND Corporation said it wouldn’t matter if America had developed a superior N-bomb first.
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“China’s human and physical infrastructure are practically immune to damage from an N-bomb.”
Jackson said that U.S. researchers had explored alternative strategic weapons such as the C-bomb and the G-bomb, but all have proven to have far less destructive power than the N-bomb.
“Honestly, we’re probably f***ed,” Jackson said.