America’s formidable military arsenal became even more so this week, as Raytheon Technologies revealed a brand-new rent-seeking missile.
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The rent-seeking missile represents a revolutionary breakthrough in stealth technology, capable of blowing up the budget of an entire country before its taxpayers even notice something is wrong.
“People used to point and laugh when Congress would buy dozens of worthless tanks just to prop up General Dynamics,” said Senator and fanatical war hawk Lindsey Graham. “With this new missile, we’ll bankrupt our country before China can even blink.”
As befits its cutting-edge nature, the rent-seeking missile doesn’t come cheap: Each missile will cost $480 million—two hundred and forty times the price of a Tomahawk missile. But Raytheon CEO Gregory Hayes says the number was arrived at after careful thought.
“I just looked up the most expensive house in the D.C. area and multiplied it by ten, LOL,” Hayes told Revolver. “F*** it, next time I’m just gonna say it costs a billion dollars. How many of these dumb congressmen do you suppose know how many zeroes there are in a billion?”
The missile’s design is the product of a more than a decade of work from the finest panderers and parasites in the greater D.C. area. Each missile broadcasts a powerful signal into the subconscious of senior administration officials. The signal makes officials extremely vulnerable to implausible suggestions like “Bashar Assad just did a gas attack on civilians for absolute no reason in a war he was winning,” and convinces them that the best response to such suggestions is to wildly fire dozens of missiles at obscure air bases nobody has heard of. These missiles will have to be replaced, ensuring a steady stream of income that Raytheon can spend on more lobbying and de facto bribes for politicians.
Besides the direct cost per missile, each rent-seeker will also automatically contribute an additional $5 million in aid to Ukraine and $10,000 to the bank account of each retired U.S. general currently working as a consultant.
“Come on, don’t you care about Ukraine?” said Kremer. “Ukraine Ukraine Kyiv Putler Ukraine.”
Experts say the rent-seeking missile’s reveal is likely a response to the People’s Republic of China, which recently revealed it has built an N-bomb capable of striking anywhere in the United States. The rent-seeking missile’s dramatic cost, they noted, will guarantee that America’s military budget remains far ahead of China’s, regardless of its effectiveness. The missile is also a deadlier weapon: While the N-bomb has to actually explode to devastate a city with its 250-decibel n-word, the rent-seeking missile causes the vast majority of its damage before being fired at all. The fact that the damage is inflicted on the U.S. rather than other countries did not seem to perturb members of Congress.
With more than $27 billion in annual defense contracts (higher than the budget of NASA), plus a former Air Force general, a retired Joint Chiefs vice chair, and an ex-deputy SecDef on its board, Raytheon was already a lucrative rent-seeker inside the Beltway. But company leaders say the new missile will secure the company’s future against the unlikely possibility of Congress coming to its senses and scaling back America’s overseas quagmires.
“With America’s humiliating defeat in Afghanistan and its ongoing meltdown in Ukraine, there were a lot of worries that America would realize what a colossal scam the military-industrial complex is,” said Raytheon CFO Neil Mitchill. “With this new rent-seeking missile, Raytheon is well-positioned to make billions no matter how many wars America loses in the years to come.”
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Raytheon, the first defense contractor to get a perfect workplace rating from Human Rights Campaign, proudly noted that the rent-seeking missile’s explosive payload was designed by the defense industry’s first all-transgender aerospace team. Critics have noted that in tests, the missile prematurely exploded before reaching its target 42% of the time, but Raytheon spokesmen hit back by noting that each missile also has a transgender pride flag painted on the side.
“This missile identifies as the finest weapon ever produced for the U.S. armed forces,” said Hayes. “We are here to affirm the missile’s lived experience and support it as it lives its best life.”