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John Fetterman vs Dwayne Camacho: Who Is the Real President of Idiocracy America?

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Welp, MSNBC went there. Before John Fetterman even got the chance to embarrass America as a Senator-elect for, he has already been trotted out as future presidential material:

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Clowns? While we love the patriots at Citizen Free Press, there is nothing clownish about a Fetterman presidential run. What candidate could better represent what all too many Americans have become — vast in body and dim in mind?

Fetterman’s steady ascent to the office of Senator, and now this presidential comparison, has inspired more than one comparison to Idiocracy, Mike Judge’s 2006 film envisioning a future society of idiots created via dysgenic breeding.

This is no topic for throwaway jokes, though. John Fetterman isn’t a sign of “Idiocracy”. He is the sign. In fact, John Fetterman is a better “Idiocracy” character than anyone in the actual movie.

In a piece that has become something of a cult classic, we wrote about how, in many ways, the society of Idiocracy is superior to our own: It values real intelligence (despite lacking it), it devalues worthless degrees, it doesn’t racially vilify its own citizens, and so forth.

Read More: Beyond Parody: The World of Mike Judge’s Idiocracy Would Be an Improvement

Now, it’s time for a follow-up. As dumb as it is, the world of Idiocracy still has a functioning political system, led by President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. And if an election between Camacho and Fetterman were held today, we would cast our vote for Camacho without a moment’s hesitation, because President Camacho of “Idiocracy” would be the superior candidate to John Fetterman in every way. Seriously, it’s not even close!

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First off, let’s consider physical fitness. In the world of “Idiocracy”, most ordinary people basically look like the clerk at Costco: shapeless obese testaments to sloth and gluttony.

Welcome to Costco, I love you.

President Camacho, on the other hand played by former NFL prospect Terry Crews.

 

Make all the jokes you want about “dumb jocks.” The truth is, getting as fit as Terry Crews is difficult, even if a person uses steroids. It takes consistent workout time in the gym to build up muscle, and an iron discipline to maintain a healthy diet. And in the world of Idiocracy, being healthy and in-shape is even tougher, because the official nutrition advice from the FDA recommends a diet consisting solely of caffeine, grease, convenience store junk food, and the sports drink Brawndo.

To overcome universal laziness and horrifying processed food to maintain athlete-level fitness indicates intelligence and self-control on the part of President Camacho. Now, look at Mr. Fetterman.

Come to think of it, why wasn’t he the man saying hello at Costco in the movie? Peaking at more than 400 pounds and possessing a tissue mass of unknown origin on the back of his neck, Fetterman incredibly manages to look fatter and more disgusting than any character in a movie that actually was created to make fun of fat, disgusting people.

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President Camacho has a better personal background for being president as well. Before becoming president, he was both a pro-wrestling Smackdown champion and a porn superstar, meaning he excelled in two different fields that are, whatever their other demerits, at least actual jobs. Fetterman, in contrast, has basically never held a real job at all, living off his parents until he was nearly fifty.

Then, of course, there’s rhetoric. “Idiocracy” features a State of the Union address by President Camacho.

Consider this comedy all you want, but remember: while he speaks in slang, Camacho does still speak in complete sentences. “I know shit’s bad right now, with all that starving bullshit.”

Now compare that to future President Fetterman.

Some would say it’s low-hanging fruit to go after Fetterman’s post-stroke speech impediment. But Fetterman isn’t the victim of bad luck. The reason he can’t even talk right anymore is that Fetterman blew off his doctor’s warnings, didn’t take prescribed medication, and didn’t even show up for appointments. He’d be the perfect patient, in fact, for the “Idiocracy” medical system, whose diagnoses are things like “your shit’s all retarded.”

But really, we don’t need to go after Fetterman’s physique, or his health, or his ability to engage in the distinctly human ability of communicative speech.

No, the biggest reason that Fetterman is the real “Idiocracy” president, while Camacho would be a more worthy U.S. senator, is their actual policy positions.

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In President Camacho’s America, when someone commits a lower level crime like, say, robbing a hospital, they are immediately arrested, given a swift trial, and after conviction they are given an IQ test so that they can be put to maximally good use as convict labor. This is how Joe, the hero of “Idiocracy”, is identified as the world’s smartest man and swiftly promoted to secretary of the Interior.

In contrast, future President Fetterman believes in a policy of no cash bail for all crimes, meaning that somebody who, say, robs a hospital or assaults a person on the subway will immediately go free.

President Camacho’s plan for fixing the economy — find the smartest man in the world, and give him emergency power to do whatever is necessary — is definitely better than Fetterman’s, which amounts to “grrrrr corporate greed bad grrrrr.”

Later, when President Camacho mistakenly believes that Joe has ruined America’s economy by driving its largest corporation out of business for no reason, he sentences him to “rehabilitation” — in reality, a gladiatorial demolition derby. Don’t quibble over the exact crime — in Camacho’s administration, the worst criminals get the death penalty, and it’s not controversial.

In President Fetterman’s administration, on the other hand, convicted murderers, even serial killers, are eventually released back onto the streets, because there is no such thing as even life without parole, let alone the death penalty:

And Fetterman really means it. Get those murderers out, he says:

Pennsylvania Lt. Gov. and Democratic Senate candidate John Fetterman has helped release at least 10 convicts serving life sentences for first-degree murder.

Last year, he cast the lone vote in a failed bid to free Alexis Rodriguez, who is serving a life sentence in Dallas after he was one of five suspects convicted for beating a police officer’s 17-year-old son with a baseball bat before fatally shooting him in 1989.

He also cast the lone vote last year in a failed bid to commute the sentence of John David Brookins, who was convicted of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison for the 1990 killing of his girlfriend’s mother, who was found with a pair of large scissors lodged in her chest.

[Fox News]

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So if Mike Judge ever gets around to remaking “Idiocracy”, we hope that he realizes what kind of politician should actually sit in a new triple-wide reinforced chair at the Resolute Desk.

And when the 2024 election comes around, make sure your ballot is harvested for the right candidate: Vote Camacho.

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